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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Heart's tale on paths unknown

When I was younger, friends told me that they appreciate me because I am so ready to help them... a friend who listens, a shoulder to cry on, and has a ready advise for many of their problems. Now as an adult, friends still come to me in times of need and problems. Yet I don't see myself as effective as I was before. I wonder why... I'm not so compassionate now as I was when I was then... feeling the pain or lose or devastation of a friend... I feel I'm more detached... As if I'm just an observer from a faraway place and not really with my friend... I wanted to reach out, hug to soothe the pain, hold hand to comfort, and even just cry to let them know I'm feeling the pain... But I can't do it anymore. Sometimes I need to feel my heart if its still there beating, because I often think it has turned into a stone. I'm not happy about it anymore... I'm not content to just listen and give advice I wanted to be a real friend who is with my friend in times of need. What has lead me to these changes? Is it my past hurts and pain? The bad experiences that I had? Or the people who rejected and failed me too? I'm longing for that tender heart I once had, the heart of flesh.

I am just in college so i am thinking i am still young. My friends would always come to me whenever they had any problems. Every time they had any problem they would come to me looking for solutions or help and for problems that can not be solved a person who will make them forget those problems. Even till this day people know me as "a person who is ready to help others in every condition" - i got this as message from "D".

I am thinking that as we grow older our will for helping other is but the same. It is the degree of problems that increases. When you have got more friends with different problems and whose problems becomes more complex and difficult it is difficult to keep up. I always forget my problems pretty soon as if i never have any problems. So i never spend any time in solving my own problems. Some time in later stages of life with work or family or even life as it is, there may be some problems that i cannot solve or problems that i may need to solve if such things happens we will always look for others to help but then with our own problems to solve our mind is not solely helping but interleaved in solving our own and others problems.

It is not easy to know that your help throughout your life was not so important to people you love and cared for. If you have cared for people enough then you look for similar care which you do not get in life. That is the loss of having a loving and compassionate heart in an impassive world but if you live strong enough then you will be the strongest man in the world even if it be for your own self. This has always been my aim in life, to be the strongest man in the world. Stop looking at others for help or consent to acknowledge your efforts. When you depend on anybody for help you always end up thinking that even when i help, still i do not get help so why help ? Well the best way is to stop depending and the next best stop thinking. I just take the not depending attitude in life. Also people who help like to keep low profile so i think when you help the others realize you have helped but do not acknowledge it but you should know deep in there hearts they have done that ten times. So let it be.

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